Man, this schlep really wastes. I'm so busted I could just curl up. All I wanna do is drink some soda and stare at the ceiling for eternity. But first, gotta post a few Lord Farquaad memes to defeat sorry the struggle. Existence is a real journey, man.

This corporate ladder you see? It's just a staircase leading to Shrek's swamp

Sure, they tell you it's all about drive, about climbing to the top and ruling your little empire. They paint a picture of luxury, but let me tell you, that shiny penthouse suite with its panoramic view? It's just another lonely tower in Shrek's swamp.

You'll be long days, power lunches that go nowhere, and a never-ending parade of backstabbing coworkers. Your goals? They'll get swallowed up in the mire like another unfortunate tourist who wandered into this wretched swamp.

• And don't even get me started on the dress code. You think your suits will impress anyone down here?
• Trust me, you'll be wishing for a good pair of mud boots

So next time climbing that ladder, pause and ask yourself: Is this really what I want? Or am I just blindly following the system, only to end up like every other lost soul in Shrek's swamp?

Subject Line: "Important Meeting" - My Being: "Like an Onion, Shrek."

You know that feeling when your manager sends out an email with/about/regarding a meeting and the subject line just screams "urgency/importance/significance"? Yeah, well, my soul is currently experiencing something akin to a cinematic onion. Layered with anxiety/dread/a healthy dose of WTF, each layer reveals/hides/uncovers another questionable/confusing/intriguing detail about the meeting's purpose.

Is it a performance review? A team-building exercise/activity/nightmare? Or, perhaps, the unveiling of a revolutionary/disastrous/slightly off-brand new company initiative? Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a meeting about how to best prepare for/survive/celebrate an alien invasion.

• My body requires coffee. Like, a metric ton of coffee.
• Maybe I should busy with something else.
• Should I even bother checking the calendar for next week?

This Spreadsheet Could Be Done Faster With Superhuman Might

Look, this spreadsheet is a real pain. I'm drowning in data and formulas, my brain is fried, and the deadline is looming like a hungry goblin. It wouldn't take some serious muscle to get this thing done. I'm talking about the kind of power that only a superhero could muster. This ain't a job for your average office worker, this is heavy lifting material.

• Perhaps it's time to a squad of golems?
• This spreadsheet needs a forklift
• I'm about to require a nap

Weekend? Nah, I'm Just Going Back to My Layer Cake of Papers

The idea of chilling out this weekend is just absurd. My desk is currently a mountain of papers, each one demanding my focus. Honestly, I'm more motivated about devouring this stack of work than I am about watching some Netflix. Maybe a weekend marathon of caffeine and scanning is more my speed.

My 9-to-5 Feels Like Being Shackled to a Company Farm

I'm trapped in this office machine. Every day feels like I'm trundling along, just another donkey in the stable. I'm burned out from pushing this weight day after day. I fantasize about breaking free.

• Maybe I'll become a farmer and actuallyactually have animals that respect my labor.
• {Or maybe I'll travel the world and finally live on my own terms.
• {Whatever it is, I know I can't stay here forever.{ It's just not worth it.